K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
