She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
