You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Every concussion has its silver lining
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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