He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
