saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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