i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just pee around me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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