conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
where are my eyebrows?
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