there's paper in my vomit.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
