would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
