I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.