i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.