she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
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There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
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He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms