if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
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You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
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Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.