fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
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Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
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You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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