Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
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It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
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We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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