I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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