I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
