I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
