John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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