Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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