It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
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I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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