I can't breathe out the right side of my face
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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