You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
