I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
