i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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