its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
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So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
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found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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