Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
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the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
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Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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