god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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