Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
