It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
