The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
