i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We are all done wearing pants today
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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