Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
