Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
