so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Randomize
