Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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