My friends, they love my intelligence
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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