i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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