your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
