You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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