My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
