I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I could make wine with my vomit
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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