So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Randomize
