he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
