I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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