Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
