Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
