I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I cockslap morals
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
