I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize