shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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