i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
oh god was she eating orange peels again
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?