Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?