Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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