He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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