a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
