OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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