You smell like a Billy Joel song
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
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