I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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