Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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