Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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