"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My cat gives me a boner
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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