I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
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im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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