stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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