I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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