you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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